Suicide Ideation, Therapy and Hope

WP_20171222_10_03_16_Pro_LI (2).jpgThrough the forest I can see a small patch of light on a snow covered trail. I can make it there.

Keeping myself alive

Things I don’t keep in the house. Things I don’t do. Things I do to keep myself alive.

To keep myself alive I do not keep rope, sharp knives, bleach, drugs, or plastic bags in the house.

To keep myself alive I deliberately keep chores and administration undone.

To keep myself alive I make sure my walk to my chosen jump spot is through a forest.

To keep myself alive when I feel all hope is gone, I charge my phone and keep it on and ready to speed dial a couple of trusted people.

To keep myself alive I think of my children and sister.

To keep myself alive I avoid situations that make me despair.

To keep myself alive I go to therapy. 

To keep myself alive I force myself to meet people or be part of a club.

To keep myself alive I make plans for the short-term and long-term future.


Based on my own limited experience, I reckon nobody really wants to commit suicide – they just don’t want the life they have, they don’t want the memories they have in their head, they don’t want to continue living with whatever is sucking the life out of them.

Such people need to be shown another way to live, another path that allows them to cope with their situation, to overcome it and to express themselves while also coming to terms with whatever has kept them awake at night – in anguish and in despair.

Telling me to: “Man up!” or “Cheer up you miserable fuck, others have it much worse.” is to give me shit advice, fucking useless advice. Fucking shut it if that’s all you have to offer – this is life we are talking about, suicidal people are not running off a bruising tackle in some sports match.

At best, shit advice is only going to motivate someone in the short-term. In the long run it eats at self-esteem and makes reaching for the rope easier.

I have no idea where this blog will go but I woke up a week ago and felt better. I did not feel suicidal. Not feeling suicidal does not mean I feel good or that I do not suffer from depression. In my case, it means I want to be rather than not to be.

I’ll try and write more tomorrow. I promise to make it less of a chore to read. There might even be the driest and blackest of humour but I will definitely add detail regarding the things I do and don’t do to keep myself alive.

But here’s one reveal: making promises to others and making people depend on me is a short-term strategy for keeping myself alive.



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6 responses to “Suicide Ideation, Therapy and Hope

  1. Projects are good fuel, aren’t they?


    I like this – it’s nicely designed – it pisses me off just as much as I admire it (great to develop sensible awareness / making suicide prevention a possible fashion statement is a double-edged blade etc) – but that’s life.

    Project; your story isn’t over yet

    Within the belief that suicide is generally preventable, the mission of Project Semicolon is to help reduce the incidents of suicide in the world through connected community and greater access to information and resources. We believe that suicide prevention is the collective responsibility of each and every person on the planet.

    • Cheers, Shane. Projects are good even if it’s only choosing a few tunes for a playlist. 😉

      This won’t be a suicide prevention awareness blog. It’ll be about life and possibilities. It’ll be about the good choices and bad choices I’ve made. I’m not cut out to be Bob fucking Geldof or Bono. (And just who is Bob anyway?)

      Most of all, it’ll be about my experiences in dealing with the crap of day to day life when you’d rather not be here at all.

      And amongst that there will be few rants, a bit of fiction and growing up absurd. Yeah, it’ll be about distressed gentlefolk.

      It’ll be my own little echo chamber. I don’t want to change the world. I’m just looking for another remix.

      BTW. For me the most useful blog has been

  2. Aww, Fuel. Another lovely piece of honest writing from you. So glad you are feeling good. Whatever that thing is that made you wake up feeling good last week, hold onto it.
    So many folk still feel uncomfortable around mental health issues which leads them to say the things you mention. It’s mental health awareness week here next week. Exposure and stories like yours help others to understand what’s helpful and what’s not.
    Agree with shane too; keeping busy is good. Having things to look forward to is good. Having people around you who you can rely on and who love you is good.
    Stay strong, my friend. Look forward to the next installment.

    • Having people to call is the best thing.

      Also, I am responsible for being there for another person who has suicidal thoughts. I helped organise care for H and (through serendiipity) managed to put H in touch with good people,. We are responsible for each other, Think of it as an anti-suicide pact. 😀

      Me leaving would also make it harder for my children. The children of people who have committed suicide are more likely to suffer mental health issues, attempt suicide and commit suicide. That is something I don’t want to bequeath.

  3. Sorry, but in Finnish.
    Yritin saada blogin aikaiseksi omaishoitajan epätoivosta, mutta en saanut sitä pelittämään. Mutta sinä olet täällä! My dear friend from chocolate factory. Pysy täällä.

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