Through the forest I can see a small patch of light on a snow covered trail. I can make it there.
Keeping myself alive
Things I don’t keep in the house. Things I don’t do. Things I do to keep myself alive.
To keep myself alive I do not keep rope, sharp knives, bleach, drugs, or plastic bags in the house.
To keep myself alive I deliberately keep chores and administration undone.
To keep myself alive I make sure my walk to my chosen jump spot is through a forest.
To keep myself alive when I feel all hope is gone, I charge my phone and keep it on and ready to speed dial a couple of trusted people.
To keep myself alive I think of my children and sister.
To keep myself alive I avoid situations that make me despair.
To keep myself alive I go to therapy.
To keep myself alive I force myself to meet people or be part of a club.
To keep myself alive I make plans for the short-term and long-term future.
Based on my own limited experience, I reckon nobody really wants to commit suicide – they just don’t want the life they have, they don’t want the memories they have in their head, they don’t want to continue living with whatever is sucking the life out of them.
Such people need to be shown another way to live, another path that allows them to cope with their situation, to overcome it and to express themselves while also coming to terms with whatever has kept them awake at night – in anguish and in despair.
Telling me to: “Man up!” or “Cheer up you miserable fuck, others have it much worse.” is to give me shit advice, fucking useless advice. Fucking shut it if that’s all you have to offer – this is life we are talking about, suicidal people are not running off a bruising tackle in some sports match.
At best, shit advice is only going to motivate someone in the short-term. In the long run it eats at self-esteem and makes reaching for the rope easier.
I have no idea where this blog will go but I woke up a week ago and felt better. I did not feel suicidal. Not feeling suicidal does not mean I feel good or that I do not suffer from depression. In my case, it means I want to be rather than not to be.
I’ll try and write more tomorrow. I promise to make it less of a chore to read. There might even be the driest and blackest of humour but I will definitely add detail regarding the things I do and don’t do to keep myself alive.
But here’s one reveal: making promises to others and making people depend on me is a short-term strategy for keeping myself alive.